I hate it when I have to work so hard, with such strict deadlines and my PM literally sitting over my head asking for updates every hour on an issue. I hate it even more when there is no work around for me to do. I just asked my friend how she managed to work for all these years and doesn't she ever get bored. Her reply was very simple yet left me wondering " If we don't do this, then also it will be boring". Work - a necessary evil. Most people do not want to work but become so miserable when they actually do not have any work.
I am fine when I do not have any work to do at home - I can watch movies, songs, talk for hours on the phone, read a book or simply just sleep. But what do you do in office when you don't have work ? When you share a cube with four other people, you cant even watch movies, songs , read a book (although I have read two e-books in office so far), or talk for hours on the phone. You can sleep for a little while (which I sometimes do and one of my colleagues even snores while sleeping ). But, then what ? Even gmail/yahoo is blocked in office, so I cant even chat !! I do sometimes blog ( Most of my blogs below were written in office !). But you cant get a new topic to blog about every time you are feeling bored in office.
I try to get involved in the conversation that my colleagues have. But since all others are guys (on top of being american) , half of the times I don't get what they are talking, when I do get what they are saying, I don't feel like talking about it. Also, talking happens very rarely in our cube.
Then, sometimes I try to 'Google' something totally weird or random. The other day I was reading something online and found out from where I get my short-temper. I am a descendant of Vishwamitra (Kaushika goutra). He was very very short-tempered and hence people of kaushika goutra are known to have short-temper (it also said they have good mathematical skills).
I do try to also read some technical docs, trying to update/refresh myself. But I consider it more as a part of work.
Thats about all that I do when I have some breathing time in office. So, what do you do when you are bored in office? Suggestions/experiences to share are more than welcome.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Jumbled...
US or India? This question has always lingered on in my mind from the moment I gave my GRE. After thinking a lot about it, talking to a lot of people about it, reading a lot of blogs on the net of people wanting to move back or people who actually did move back, I have decided for myself that I want to move back. When I say this to someone, I have always got different reaction from different people. Some think they can identify with me and feel the same urge to go back. Some say its ridiculous, things are better here, life is more comfortable here etc etc. I have tried to clear out my thoughts on this. But there are so many inter-related things that I can never lay them out in a straight line. I am going to attempt to do that now and in the process just jot down random thoughts from my mind on this topic.
Well, the primary reason for going back is because I WANT TO GO BACK. It’s not that I want to go back because I miss my family. Even if my entire family were to come here, I would still want to go back. It’s not just the family, its much more beyond that. I belong to India. I will never be able to call America “home”. I will never be able to say I am American. Even if I do manage to get US citizenship, the guy in Walmart will still ask me “where are you from?” and I will still say “India”. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand American jokes that my colleagues crack. I always give this analogy to all my friends – if you go to visit some place for vacation, you fall in love with the place the moment you arrive there. You feel relaxed, you feel you are in heaven, away from all your tensions. The hotel room you stay in is very beautiful – much more beautiful than your home. You really like it there. You have all the comforts. It will feel nice for maybe a few weeks. After that the heart will urge you to go back home. Even if somebody lets you stay there for free, even when you have your entire family with you, you WILL want to go back home. The peace that you get at home, you will never get in the hotel room.
Life is definitely more comfortable here than in India. And yet, it doesn’t seem right. Although there is nothing in particular that bothers me, it’s never peaceful here. There is some kind of restlessness. The restlessness that most of us here in US feel, but do not know how to explain. Agreed, life in India is not easy. But when I could handle all the problems in India for the first 20 years of my life; when my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends are all leading a completely normal, comfortable life in India, why can’t I? And it’s not like there have been no problems here. There have been problems, struggle here too and it will always be. Problems never cease to exist in one’s life. If traveling in local trains in sweltering heat in Bombay (I still call it Bombay) is a pain, wearing four layers of clothing and traveling in subzero temperature with numb limbs is by no means comfortable either. If I can adapt myself to the system here, I can definitely adapt myself to the system that I have grown up with.
When I see the Indians who have settled in US, hardly any of them have American ‘friends’(I doubt if Americans have the word ‘friend’ in their vocabulary). They have built their own Indian community here. Even in US, they are trying to live in India. Many of them, in fact, most of them still have the urge inside to go back to India. But they are so tied up with their jobs and kids and all, leaving all that and starting all over in India is a scary thought. That’s why I want to go back now. I am in a situation where I just have to think about myself. I am not well settled here too. Hence, it’s not as scary for me to start all over in India. The longer you stay here, the more difficult it is to go back. And I definitely do not want to get stuck here and suffer from the X = X+1 Syndrome . In fact, it seems the most perfect time for me to make this move now.
Most of the people feel, Indian kids who are born and brought up in US, do not have Indian values. I don’t think this statement is entirely true. Some parents have really done a wonderful job in bringing up their kids here. There are actually some (not all though, sadly) people who have adopted the best of both worlds. They have made their kids independent and let them free like their American counterparts, and yet instilled in them Indian values of family and togetherness. In fact, some of the Indian kids I met here have more Indian values than the youngsters in India today. And yet, I have met parents here who are more orthodox than parents in India today. I was shocked to see that even after staying in US for so many years, parents do differentiate between son and daughter. This is clearly not seen in India today (in cities, I mean). With people in India getting more and more westernized and people here getting more Indian, the world is truly becoming flat. We are truly becoming ‘global citizens’. The more I think about it, there is nothing like a “perfect” place to live. There are good and bad things about every place. One needs to have his/her priorities well defined and then decide which place is more suitable for him/her. You definitely cannot say “this place is good, or this place is bad”. It depends on what you think is good or bad; what is of importance to you may not be important to me!
Well, my thoughts still do not make any set pattern to me. I think I will have to come back to this discussion again.
Well, the primary reason for going back is because I WANT TO GO BACK. It’s not that I want to go back because I miss my family. Even if my entire family were to come here, I would still want to go back. It’s not just the family, its much more beyond that. I belong to India. I will never be able to call America “home”. I will never be able to say I am American. Even if I do manage to get US citizenship, the guy in Walmart will still ask me “where are you from?” and I will still say “India”. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand American jokes that my colleagues crack. I always give this analogy to all my friends – if you go to visit some place for vacation, you fall in love with the place the moment you arrive there. You feel relaxed, you feel you are in heaven, away from all your tensions. The hotel room you stay in is very beautiful – much more beautiful than your home. You really like it there. You have all the comforts. It will feel nice for maybe a few weeks. After that the heart will urge you to go back home. Even if somebody lets you stay there for free, even when you have your entire family with you, you WILL want to go back home. The peace that you get at home, you will never get in the hotel room.
Life is definitely more comfortable here than in India. And yet, it doesn’t seem right. Although there is nothing in particular that bothers me, it’s never peaceful here. There is some kind of restlessness. The restlessness that most of us here in US feel, but do not know how to explain. Agreed, life in India is not easy. But when I could handle all the problems in India for the first 20 years of my life; when my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends are all leading a completely normal, comfortable life in India, why can’t I? And it’s not like there have been no problems here. There have been problems, struggle here too and it will always be. Problems never cease to exist in one’s life. If traveling in local trains in sweltering heat in Bombay (I still call it Bombay) is a pain, wearing four layers of clothing and traveling in subzero temperature with numb limbs is by no means comfortable either. If I can adapt myself to the system here, I can definitely adapt myself to the system that I have grown up with.
When I see the Indians who have settled in US, hardly any of them have American ‘friends’(I doubt if Americans have the word ‘friend’ in their vocabulary). They have built their own Indian community here. Even in US, they are trying to live in India. Many of them, in fact, most of them still have the urge inside to go back to India. But they are so tied up with their jobs and kids and all, leaving all that and starting all over in India is a scary thought. That’s why I want to go back now. I am in a situation where I just have to think about myself. I am not well settled here too. Hence, it’s not as scary for me to start all over in India. The longer you stay here, the more difficult it is to go back. And I definitely do not want to get stuck here and suffer from the X = X+1 Syndrome . In fact, it seems the most perfect time for me to make this move now.
Most of the people feel, Indian kids who are born and brought up in US, do not have Indian values. I don’t think this statement is entirely true. Some parents have really done a wonderful job in bringing up their kids here. There are actually some (not all though, sadly) people who have adopted the best of both worlds. They have made their kids independent and let them free like their American counterparts, and yet instilled in them Indian values of family and togetherness. In fact, some of the Indian kids I met here have more Indian values than the youngsters in India today. And yet, I have met parents here who are more orthodox than parents in India today. I was shocked to see that even after staying in US for so many years, parents do differentiate between son and daughter. This is clearly not seen in India today (in cities, I mean). With people in India getting more and more westernized and people here getting more Indian, the world is truly becoming flat. We are truly becoming ‘global citizens’. The more I think about it, there is nothing like a “perfect” place to live. There are good and bad things about every place. One needs to have his/her priorities well defined and then decide which place is more suitable for him/her. You definitely cannot say “this place is good, or this place is bad”. It depends on what you think is good or bad; what is of importance to you may not be important to me!
Well, my thoughts still do not make any set pattern to me. I think I will have to come back to this discussion again.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
This poem was written by me on Diwali 2007 when I was definitely not in the happiest of my moods. I had almost lost it, had written it in the roughbook of a friend. Thought would post this here, now that I have got it.
Warning (esp. for my family): Dont worry, I am very happy today !
सबके चेहरो पर छाई खुशहाली
कहते है सब मुझे हैप्पी दिवाली
किस बात की खुशी मनाऊँ मैं
कब तक ये झूठा मुखौटा पहनुँ मैं
साल का सबसे बड़ा त्यौहार है आज
श्रीराम ने पहना था अपने सर पर ताज
मेरा तो अभी वनवास शुरु हुआ है
साथ सिर्फ चाहने वालों की दुआ है
न जाने कैसे बिताए श्रीराम ने १४ साल
मेरा तो कुछ ही महिनों में हो गया है ये हाल
शायद इसीलिए कहलाते वो भगवान हैं
लेते हम मामूली इंसानों का इम्तिहान है
हिम्मत अब धीरे धीरे टूट रही है
लगता है जैसे गाड़ी कोई छूट रही है
थोड़ी सी दूरी रह जाती है हर बार
और मैं भागती रहती हूँ लगातार
सब्र का फल मीठा होता ह, जानती हूँ मैं
लेकिन क्या करुँ , आखिर इंसान हूँ मैं
ले ले विधाता चाहे जो परीक्षा , हिम्मत नहीं हारुँगी मैं
एक न एक दिन दिवाली ज़रुर मनाऊँगी मैं
Warning (esp. for my family): Dont worry, I am very happy today !
सबके चेहरो पर छाई खुशहाली
कहते है सब मुझे हैप्पी दिवाली
किस बात की खुशी मनाऊँ मैं
कब तक ये झूठा मुखौटा पहनुँ मैं
साल का सबसे बड़ा त्यौहार है आज
श्रीराम ने पहना था अपने सर पर ताज
मेरा तो अभी वनवास शुरु हुआ है
साथ सिर्फ चाहने वालों की दुआ है
न जाने कैसे बिताए श्रीराम ने १४ साल
मेरा तो कुछ ही महिनों में हो गया है ये हाल
शायद इसीलिए कहलाते वो भगवान हैं
लेते हम मामूली इंसानों का इम्तिहान है
हिम्मत अब धीरे धीरे टूट रही है
लगता है जैसे गाड़ी कोई छूट रही है
थोड़ी सी दूरी रह जाती है हर बार
और मैं भागती रहती हूँ लगातार
सब्र का फल मीठा होता ह, जानती हूँ मैं
लेकिन क्या करुँ , आखिर इंसान हूँ मैं
ले ले विधाता चाहे जो परीक्षा , हिम्मत नहीं हारुँगी मैं
एक न एक दिन दिवाली ज़रुर मनाऊँगी मैं
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Life Goes On...
Past two weeks have been pretty "sad". Though nothing happened to me , but bad news has been pouring in from all ends
- A friend lost his brother in front of him.
- A friend lost his dad due to heart attack.
- A friend got diagnosed with diabetes - no family history.
- Two friends broke up.
Robert Frost says " In just three words I can sum up life: It goes on"
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Don't know
What do I want from life ?
Don’t know.
Am I sad with my life ?
Don’t know.
Am I happy with my life ?
Don’t know
What makes me happy?
Don’t know.
How long will it continue like this?
Don’t know.
Do I want it to continue like this ?
Don’t know.
Do I want to change something in life ?
Don’t know.
What change will make me happy?
Don’t know.
What the heck do I know?
DON’T KNOW.
Am I even alive ?
Don’t know.
Don’t know.
Am I sad with my life ?
Don’t know.
Am I happy with my life ?
Don’t know
What makes me happy?
Don’t know.
How long will it continue like this?
Don’t know.
Do I want it to continue like this ?
Don’t know.
Do I want to change something in life ?
Don’t know.
What change will make me happy?
Don’t know.
What the heck do I know?
DON’T KNOW.
Am I even alive ?
Don’t know.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Hair Nightmare !!
This is also one of the things that has bothered me since a long long time. In fact, it still does. Some people may think "How stupid it is to bother about this, why does she make a big deal out of this?" But trust me , nobody can understand my agony as well as me.
I always wanted to have long hair. But was never encouraged to do so by my parents. Because I had bad quality, highly densed and extremely wavy (mind you,not curly) hair. My parents had me go bald (mundan) four times as a child !!! Generally they do that so that the child gets straight hair. But my hair is much much more stubborn. It never straightened up ! How many times I fought with my parents to grow my hair. Things once got so bad that I even got a signed declaration from them that they would not force me to get my hair cut. Imagine ! I tried to grow my hair against their wishes but it ended up being so so messy that I finally gave up and said "I want to get my hair cut."
I tried to grow my hair again in college but got fed up of it after a year and went back to my easy-to-manage short hair.
And here I am again, trying to grow my hair. Well, actually I did not try to grow it. I simply did not cut it. This time, its much better. Its still messy and high-maintenance but somehow its not behaving as rebellious as before. I think with me, even my hair has mellowed down in life. This time I have managed to grow it much longer than the previous two attempts.
If you are still reading this, I am extremely sorry...I thought I better write some crap than watch the stupid progress bars of my extremely slow server. But its true that I bother a lot about my hair. But right now, I am loving my "kaale ghane not-so-mulayam baal "
I always wanted to have long hair. But was never encouraged to do so by my parents. Because I had bad quality, highly densed and extremely wavy (mind you,not curly) hair. My parents had me go bald (mundan) four times as a child !!! Generally they do that so that the child gets straight hair. But my hair is much much more stubborn. It never straightened up ! How many times I fought with my parents to grow my hair. Things once got so bad that I even got a signed declaration from them that they would not force me to get my hair cut. Imagine ! I tried to grow my hair against their wishes but it ended up being so so messy that I finally gave up and said "I want to get my hair cut."
I tried to grow my hair again in college but got fed up of it after a year and went back to my easy-to-manage short hair.
And here I am again, trying to grow my hair. Well, actually I did not try to grow it. I simply did not cut it. This time, its much better. Its still messy and high-maintenance but somehow its not behaving as rebellious as before. I think with me, even my hair has mellowed down in life. This time I have managed to grow it much longer than the previous two attempts.
If you are still reading this, I am extremely sorry...I thought I better write some crap than watch the stupid progress bars of my extremely slow server. But its true that I bother a lot about my hair. But right now, I am loving my "kaale ghane not-so-mulayam baal "
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Zindagi kis taraf ja rahi hai.....
One of the things which bothers me THE MOST is the uncertainty in life. I know, I know , I am not the only one. This is something that bothers everyone. We are all afraid of the unknown.
But if you take my case in particular, not many things in my life have gone the way I planned. I really didn't imagine I would be living the kind of life I am living today. I don't know if this is better than what I had imagined or worse. But, it is different. Very very different. No regrets though. I am very happy with my life. I have always welcomed whatever life had to offer me.
But I always wonder why I couldn't achieve what I set out to. Is it because I dreamt too big ? I don't think so. My dreams were pretty reasonable and attainable. I didn't dream to do anything different from what any normal person in my position does. Is it because I lack the will power and determination ? Maybe. But I do know there was no lack of effort from my side. But yes, I have never been stubborn with life. If it has not given me something, I tried till I got tired but didn't really fight for it. I explored for other opportunities and grabbed what came my way and moved on with life happily. I don't know if this is the right approach.
I have been thinking about this more lately, because when I try to glance into my future, I don't see anything. Blank. I have no idea which direction my life is going. Too many things are happening right now at a very fast pace and I am just going with the flow. But then again, even when I did see into my future, things didn't happen the way I imagined. So, does that mean I stop imagining ? stop dreaming ? stop planning ?
Its so funny because as I write this, a wonderful thought struck me ! I think I can draw a parallel here from my workplace! I work in an MNC as a contractor. They brought me in to work on a technology that's just been introduced in the market. All the tasks and deadlines were planned assuming this technology would work fine. That did not happen. Because its recently been introduced, there is hardly any support available. So, what did we do ? We tried with all our might to make it work. We even got hold of the engineer who actually developed this product and had him help us. It still didn't work. We explored other similar products in the market and started using them. Needless to mention, we ran into several problems with this other product too. And yet, none of the deadlines got pushed. Things have so far been on schedule despite the numerous glitches we have faced in this past one month.
This is the truth with most business organizations. Things don't go the planned way. But still, we never stop planning ! Sometimes deadlines get pushed , sometimes we need to devise workarounds for some problems. Imagine how much 'more' mess and chaos will be caused within the organization if we don't plan.
So, the bottom-line is I will plan. Maybe I cannot eliminate the mess and chaos in my life entirely but I can definitely try to reduce it and keep it to minimum. Things may not happen the way I imagine, but I will not stop imagining. That still does not explain why I could not achieve what I set out to. Someday, I will find an answer to it too....maybe ( I cannot say it with certainty :P )
But if you take my case in particular, not many things in my life have gone the way I planned. I really didn't imagine I would be living the kind of life I am living today. I don't know if this is better than what I had imagined or worse. But, it is different. Very very different. No regrets though. I am very happy with my life. I have always welcomed whatever life had to offer me.
But I always wonder why I couldn't achieve what I set out to. Is it because I dreamt too big ? I don't think so. My dreams were pretty reasonable and attainable. I didn't dream to do anything different from what any normal person in my position does. Is it because I lack the will power and determination ? Maybe. But I do know there was no lack of effort from my side. But yes, I have never been stubborn with life. If it has not given me something, I tried till I got tired but didn't really fight for it. I explored for other opportunities and grabbed what came my way and moved on with life happily. I don't know if this is the right approach.
I have been thinking about this more lately, because when I try to glance into my future, I don't see anything. Blank. I have no idea which direction my life is going. Too many things are happening right now at a very fast pace and I am just going with the flow. But then again, even when I did see into my future, things didn't happen the way I imagined. So, does that mean I stop imagining ? stop dreaming ? stop planning ?
Its so funny because as I write this, a wonderful thought struck me ! I think I can draw a parallel here from my workplace! I work in an MNC as a contractor. They brought me in to work on a technology that's just been introduced in the market. All the tasks and deadlines were planned assuming this technology would work fine. That did not happen. Because its recently been introduced, there is hardly any support available. So, what did we do ? We tried with all our might to make it work. We even got hold of the engineer who actually developed this product and had him help us. It still didn't work. We explored other similar products in the market and started using them. Needless to mention, we ran into several problems with this other product too. And yet, none of the deadlines got pushed. Things have so far been on schedule despite the numerous glitches we have faced in this past one month.
This is the truth with most business organizations. Things don't go the planned way. But still, we never stop planning ! Sometimes deadlines get pushed , sometimes we need to devise workarounds for some problems. Imagine how much 'more' mess and chaos will be caused within the organization if we don't plan.
So, the bottom-line is I will plan. Maybe I cannot eliminate the mess and chaos in my life entirely but I can definitely try to reduce it and keep it to minimum. Things may not happen the way I imagine, but I will not stop imagining. That still does not explain why I could not achieve what I set out to. Someday, I will find an answer to it too....maybe ( I cannot say it with certainty :P )
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