Thursday, March 5, 2009

Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage

A friend who recently got married to his girlfriend since 5 years asked me "Arre yeh arranged marriages kaise hoti hai ? Please batana mujhe"
My various thoughts on the topic:
(Please note that “Arranged marriage” here refers to the process where the girl and the boy are allowed sufficient interaction with each other before saying the final yes. Not to be confused with the process where the boy and girl have no say in their marriage and do not even talk before getting married.)
1. Love just happens. It can happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone, with anyone. Arranged marriages are more organized and structured. Its more akin to a job posting. Biodatas and photos are collected over a period of time, shortlisted, candidates (and family)interviewed ( or met), again filtered, and then the person you are going to get married to is selected. After that interactions speed up, slowly turning into a friendship and finally graduating to a sense of mutual trust, commitment and finally love.
2. In love marriage, you first get to know your partner, decide that this is the one for me and then you try to find out about his/her family and get to know them. In arranged marriage, even before you know where your prospective partner works, you know where his/her father/mother/brother/sister is, what are they doing etc etc. Only once you are satisfied with the family background, you proceed.
3. Post marriage: In love marriage, you already know most of the things about your partner so you are already aware of the adjustments that you will need to make. In arranged marriage, you decide to get married only once you have ascertained that your partner has the basic qualities that you want to see in your spouse. The other little things have to be discovered post marriage. The key thing is you are not getting married to someone just because he/she is from your community. You are getting married because you really liked that person.
4. Whether love or arranged, I think it takes equal amount of effort to get adjusted and accepted by your spouse’ family.
5. 5 years after marriage, I think it hardly matters whether it was a love marriage or arranged one. By this time, you should already know most of the things about your partner (if you don’t – there is something definitely wrong!) and then it’s a process of growing together.
In summary, I think the big difference in the two scenarios is the sequence in which things happen. Other than this, there is hardly any difference. These are my thoughts as of now. What will be my thoughts 5 years after my marriage – only time will tell.